For those of you who are confused and wondering what today could possible mean, it is my Single anniversary, it is the day I got my mojo back, it is the day I vowed to NEVER let another person ever dictate my happiness, it is the day I learned that I could do better, it is also the day I got dumped. But lets not really focus on that last part, although it was such a blessing in disguise.
Single: Adjective |sin-gel|: Not having or including another : only one : not married or not having a serious romantic relationship with someone.
{I like to reference how the dictionary defines words in my blog}
You see I have done a good job of being single for the last two years. Now for those of you who know me might be really confused because in the last two years I have dated, quite a bit actually. But for the purposes of that dictionary, I have not had a serious relationship. None of those guys were worthy enough to actually be my boyfriend. Well maybe some of them were, but I was not about to try that out. Getting into another serious relationship scared the living shit out of me. Thats really the only way to describe the feeling. I've met some pretty great guys in the last 730 days. But none that I wanted to make my boyfriend. That makes sense right?
Lets rewind, its 2008 and I'm a senior in High school {Don't worry this trip isn't going to last long}. I meet a guy, and I get this "I've got a crush on you feeling". I immediately tell myself "NO NO NO NO". He was a grade younger, not the tallest guy, and he was my exes best friend. I have a hard time listening to peoples advice, especially when it's my own advice. We started dating, secretly because he's mom hated me. Thats a great way to start a relationship, right? From the start it was a rocky journey, but I could never really walk away. I went to college in Eastern Washington about 5 hours away and we decided to stay together. How sweet, I know. Again, it was rocky, we were off and on and on and off. He cheated on me, and I was the idiot who stayed with him, it was a super great time. The next year he moved to the midwest. And we still tried to make it work, that year was actually better. We did that long distance for 2 years, it wasn't the worst. The distance allowed us to focus on school, but the distance wasn't so good for the trust issue. That 4th year, in 2012, we decided to live together. Yes I know we were living in sin. We talked about marriage, looked at wedding rings, and even talked about buying a house together. We did that for almost a year. It was okay, but not the best. Who am I kidding, I should have left back in 2008. The details aren't important, but the moral of the story is that I let this guy have total control. Before that I was a carefree and independent girl. I am not so sure what changed in that timeframe, I knew he wasn't the one for me, but I was willing to tell myself he was. It was like a sickness.
Lets fast forward to now, August 27 at 5pm in Worcester, Massachusetts. I never thought in a million years I would be here, writing this blog. Back in the day I had this "plan", I'm kind of a bit OCD so having plans is my thing. Anyway, this plan was my life plan. I was going to go to nursing school, and become a nurse. I was going to be married to my prince charming by the time I was 25. I was going to be living in a big house with lots of acreage, riding my horses every morning. I had all these plans, and goals. Now the only one that still is in effect is to become a nurse, thats really the only one that is an actually goal and still attainable. If you don't know, I will be 25 in a little over 2 weeks. I am definitely not going to be getting married by then. BUT for the record, I am nowhere near the place in my life where I am ready to be married. I do not want to be someones wife right now.
So today, on the anniversary of what I thought was the worst day of my life, I am sitting here happier than I have ever been. My happiness has nothing to do with anybody else. And today, I've decided not to be scared. At some point I have to get into a serious relationship with someone {Disclaimer: I in no way ever want to get back with my ex}, so why not just get over it and do it! I like to do this thing, where if a guy I like shows any interest in me I make up all these excuses why I actually don't like them. As soon as they start taking it up a notch, I run the other way. I actually just did this recently. I'm a very weird person, I know this. So no more of that, no more running from guys who like me, no more making up reasons why not to like someone. I am taking my life back, No more Philophobia ~
Philophobia: The abnormal, persistent and unwarranted fear of falling in love or emotional attachment.
I've learned a lot in the past few years:
Never settle for anything that doesn't feel right. Never be with someone because it's better than being alone. Never not like someone because they wear weird shoes. Never lie to yourself about your feelings. Never allow someone to make you feel small and unimportant. Never adjust your dreams to fit someone elses.
Always be yourself, no matter how crazy you are. Always be positive. Always smile. Always give the benefit of the doubt. Always put yourself #1. Always be truthful. Always stay true to your dreams. Always Love Jesus.
Always be yourself, no matter how crazy you are. Always be positive. Always smile. Always give the benefit of the doubt. Always put yourself #1. Always be truthful. Always stay true to your dreams. Always Love Jesus.
