Why Failing the Nclex Doesn't make me a Bad Nurse

Sixty-one days ago I sat down in Springfield, MA to take the biggest test of my life. Four hours and 265 questions later I was finished. I called Tina, and she calmed me down. But there was no coming up from that low. The two days following were by far some one the worst days I have ever experienced. My parents were in town visiting and here to celebrate my pinning ceremony. I was not that great to be around, constantly on edge. For those who aren't familiar with the Nclex, its the state nursing test to become a registered nurse. You don't get your results right away, you have to wait two days until you can access your quick results. So basically for two days you are full of anxiety and by the end of the two days you have convinced yourself that you failed. At least that was my experience. I had convinced myself that I failed, I had convinced myself that I would never become a nurse. So 61 days ago I took my Nclex, and two days after that I learned that I had indeed failed.

The days after that are all a blur. My parents were still in town and my mom wanted to go sightseeing. We went to Plymouth and after making my mom cry because I was such a bitch, we drove home. I felt like crap. How could I show my face to my family, my friends, and my classmates? I argued with myself about attending my pinning ceremony. How could I go? I had just failed my boards, I didn't deserve to get pinned. But then I spoke to someone who was in my shoes only a year prior. She reminded me that I did deserve to get pinned, and that I had worked so hard to get to where I was. So, I put on my big girl panties, I did my hair, I wiped away the tears, and I went to pinning. Some people had heard that I took the test, but nobody actually saw me at the testing center. I was embarrassed. So my friends and I decided to just say that I never took it. Just before we took our class picture the lady asked, "Who has taken their Nclex and passed?", well there goes my hand.

The next day I took my parents to the airport and waved goodbye as they left and I was alone. Alone to just dwell on my failures. That weekend I sucked it up and celebrated my 25th birthday. My friends made it memorable and we had wine tastings galore. The next week I started my remediation plan. The next couple months were looking to be pretty jam packed.

But, I made sure to take some days for myself too. I went to the fair, I went out dancing, I drank some wine, and I spent time with my friends. I had to try to make my life normal. It is a humbling experience, to legitimately fail at something. For someone who has incredible experience in the medical field, to fail, is humbling. I never really thought I wouldn't pass. I knew it would feel like it, but to really actually fail? No, that could never happen. My pride was hurt, and I had reached a point of complete humility.

It was an intense two months. 250 hours of studying, over 1000 practice questions, countless tears, praying daily, and a handful of days were I never thought I would get through. Yesterday, I drove to Waltham, MA and sat down to once again take the Nclex. After 3 hours and 75 questions, the test shut off. My stomach dropped, and I think I stopped breathing for a moment. How did it shut off? I wasn't done yet. And then it came "Oh my gosh, I failed, I failed, AGAIN." I left the test center in a trance. I got in my car and I called Tina. She was just about to enter class, she gave me words of encouragement and said how proud she was of me. So I did my thing and tried not to think about it. I was expecting to check the quick results on Thursday when they would become available. There was one point in class on Wednesday where I had just convinced myself that I failed. I started thinking about my plan B, and thinking "I could be a social worker." Yeah I had already figured that I would never become a nurse. But today, at 5:10pm I got an email from the credentialing services congratulating me on my Massachusetts nursing license. I froze and handed the phone to Tina. Then I just started crying. I left class and just cried, I called my mom, my grandma, and a friend who has been a great part of my support team. It didn't feel real. I had gotten worked up for nothing. But man, that test a mind game. 

And the most amazing thing happened, my classmates were hugging me. I am sure most of them were wondering why I was crying, but they don't know what torture I went through. 95% of them think that I never took the test back in September, and if they did know, nobody ever said anything. But they will never know the feeling of seeing all your classmates pass the test, become nurses, and get their first nursing job; all while I was sitting there studying my butt off just to get to that point. The feeling of thinking you are going to make a terrible nurse because you can't pass a test. The sadness that runs through your body when people ask "Where are you working?!", well I'd like to get a license before I worry about a job, but thanks for reminding me. 

It was really the worst two months of my life thus far. And the worst part, I was lying to my classmates. I stuck to my story of "Oh, I didn't take it yet." Part of me didn't want to make people nervous, know that someone didn't pass might put added stress on those who hadn't tested yet. But also, I didn't want to feel like crap having to explain to people that I couldn't pass my test.

So why am I telling you all this?

Because that test, doesn't mean anything. That test does not determine how a person will function as a nurse. Passing that test in 75 questions does not mean that you will be a better nurse than someone who passes in 265 questions. Passing that test the first try does not mean you will be a better nurse than someone who fails countless times. This test is designed to see how well you can take a test, it doesn't determine your worth as a nurse. And I don't say that just because I was on the other side of this, I say this because in the last two months I have learned so much. I learned that failing does have any impact on how great of a nurse I am going to be. I have been in love with the medical field my entire life, I was born to be a nurse. And I know that I am going to be a kick ass nurse, and an even better nurse practitioner. A good friend of mine reminded me "That test does not define you." And that is exactly right, that test NEVER defined my life. That test does not mean anything, but yet it means everything.

As a Christian I believe that God puts us through struggles to test our faith. We pray, and ask him for guidance, but it's in his timing and not ours. September wasn't his timing, his timing was now. He wanted me to work for what I deserved. He wanted me to not lose faith in him. He wanted me to know that he is present in pain.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

So for those who are feeling lost, discouraged, and feel like they just will never make it through. You WILL. You will succeed, and you will cry tears of joy when you reach your victory. I don't care that people were staring and looking at me like I was crazy. Because my journey has been one that only few can understand. I have tasted failure, I have hit rock bottom, and I have cried endlessly. But today, I tasted Victory! My race is far from over though, for it has just begun. I would never have gotten though without the love, support, and constant encouragement from my family and friends. Those who have prayed for me, held my hand, and reminded me that I would succeed. I am so blessed to have you as part of my fan club.

So heres a cheers to the next chapter of my life.

I am officially Celina Georgia, RN! 

P.S - to my fellow GEP classmates, I am sorry for the lie and I hope you can forgive me.