The first of many lasts

It's been 1079 days since I left home. A few weeks ago, I realized that majority of what I do from here on out, will be the last time I do it. In New England that is. The last three years my heart and brain have been fighting endlessly with the future and whether I would stay or whether I would go. And finally, they have agreed on a course of action, I'm coming home. I feel like a kid, waking up on Christmas morning, anticipating all their new toys and the excitement they feel. I feel like my soul is about to explode just thinking about all the things I have missed these last 3 years.

When I moved to Mass three ago, I was running. I was running away from having to face the reality. I was newly single after a 5 year relationship, and felt like vomiting at the idea of getting into anything remotely serious with anyone. I immediately started applying to schools, because for the first time in what felt like FOREVER, I was free. I could do whatever I wanted. And I was going for it. I was going to grad school to make my career dreams a reality. There was nobody standing in my way or forcing me to stay.

So there I was, deciding on a big move. Because I had gotten accepted into a few schools out of state. I was living in a complete high, the thought of starting fresh and getting out of dodge, was just what I needed. The reality was that being out of state and starting grad school was the best option, little-to-no distractions. It was quite the journey, so many times I sat and cried because I wasn't sure how much longer I could do it. I was homesick, I was people sick, I was hoping to stop time just so I could catch my breath. Grad school kind of broke me, then built me up, and then broke me again... I survived though. 

And now here I am, 1079 days later. Transferring licenses, applying for jobs, looking at houses, pricing u-hauls and pods, and getting ready to say goodbye to all the people who have changed my life. Because I have finally realized that I do not belong here. I need to get back to my people. I think I spent enough time "finding myself", and now I need to get back. I think I found the person that I want to be, and I think I really like that person.

I need to go home, to my first home. I think "home", can be multiple places. I think I have homes in multiple places, homes where all my loved ones live. But my home, my permanent home, is where my mom is making dinner, the place my sisters are growing up, the back roads that I could travel in the pitch black with my eyes closed.

Today marks one month left in MA, the big plan is to hit the road August 7 (give or take a few days). As I gear up for the big move, it's sad to think about leaving the life I have made for myself here. But man, am I excited to get back to the people who helped me grow. I'm looking forward to watching my best friend give birth to my niece, to family birthday parties, to line dancing and bull-riding at the country bar, to having a Starbucks on every street corner, to holidays, and mostly waking up every morning with that beautiful mountain staring me in the face - reminding me that I am home. 

There are still so many things that I never got to do, and part of me is sad because there just isn't enough time. But that means I will just have to come back to visit and finish my bucket list. If you're reading this, chances are you've made some impact on my life. I am still trying to figure out how to say goodbye, you're my friends that became my family. But I want to say thank you, thank you for including me in your life and making this place feel like a place I can call home. I promise it is not goodbye, I will see you all later. I hope you all will come to visit me, but bring your shoes because we will hike that gorgeous mountain.

-C

Loving you is Exhausting

Taylor Swift wrote a song about you, "I knew you were trouble when you walked in".

I probably should have known.

I can picture the first day I saw you, actually noticed you, a sunny Wednesday in mid- July. I had just got back from Oklahoma, and was feeling extra on top of my game. It was hard not to notice this hunk standing in front of me. We were in room 12, you were giving me report on a patient, but I heard nothing that was coming out of your mouth. I think I tried to speak, but real words weren't being formed. I was pre-occupied with your smile, that hair, the butt, and that charm. Of course I wasn't going to make a move. I just made a mental note to find out if you were single.

Some time had passed, I was waiting for you to make the move. But you didn't, you'd just stand in front of the nurses station, staring at me. Yes, I noticed you, I could feel your eyes watching me. It was a cold Fall night. I was standing outside of room 7, putting an IV in one of our regular drunks. A job I'd done a thousand times, was suddenly very difficult. I think I fished around for that vein for a good 2 minutes, as you stood there, pretending not to look. I was so distracted, you were distracting. I was working so fast and was so nervous, I put the wrong patient stickers on those blood samples, I was really distracted. I messaged you that night about the patient you'd brought in earlier. Stating how I was going to get you back for bringing in the lice, because I got stuck with it. It wasn't even supposed to be my patient. Little did I know, it was going to be a bumpy ride after that. If it hadn't been for that night, this story might have never happened. Crazy how one instance can change everything.

You had my number, you knew how to get a hold of me. But you were playing the game. A few times you were interested, contemplating getting drinks. But then changing your mind. I really wondered if you even liked girls... but seriously. And finally, I somehow convinced you to come over. What was probably supposed to be a one-night-stand, ended up being a 9-month roller coaster that neither one of us could get off.

I wasn't looking for a relationship, I was single and loving every minute of it. I wasn't about to get sucked into something serious. Neither were you, we seemed to be on the same page. But then you changed the game, you were sucking me in. I don't know if you meant to do it, but it happened. I remember calling Kamrie in mid-december, freaking out, and all she said was "You really like this guy, huh?". She was right, and it scared the all mighty shit out of me. You made me feel things I hadn't felt in years, I found parts of me that I forgot existed.

I am a confident girl, I've never let a guy define me. And in the last 5 years I have learned that if someone wants to walk away, you let them. Except for now, I couldn't do it. I couldn't watch you walk away. You were scared, you weren't ready, and you didn't want to try anymore. But I was determined, it wasn't going down like that. It was dysfunctional, you would go and I would stay and vice-versa. Even when you were telling me to pick the other guy, I was trying to find every reason to pick you. I desperately wish I picked the other guy. But I wanted it to be you. I wanted you to grow up, and be a real adult for once. I wanted you to stop being a selfish boy, and be a man. I wanted you to be a better man. I wanted you to quit playing childish games and choose me. But you are not ready for adult things, you want to live in the safety of your parents home, you want to continue working a job you aren't happy in, waiting for your dream job to fall into your lap. Hoping to someday make it with a fire department. And dreaming of a life where fishing is both your hobby and your career. A life where your most prized procession, is a little yellow fishing kayak that sits on the top of your car for the entirety of the summer. I think you were lost somewhere between wanting and being scared. I think I made you feel things that you hadn't felt in a long time. I think you did want me, but only when it was convenient. You wanted me, but didn't know how to have me. And you damn weren't ready to figure out how to make it happen. So you pushed me away, because that's all you know. The moment you started to feel, you ran. 

The timing was all wrong, I was finishing school and you were starting. I was getting ready to start my career and plan for the future. You were thinking of the next spot you'd try to catch some bass. We were living on separate parts of the spectrum, and trying to somehow find some common ground. I was trying to be your biggest fan, I would have stuck by you. But you thought you had to have it all together before you could let someone else in. Little did you know, I wanted to join you on your adventure. But you didn't know how to include me in your life, you're so used to doing everything alone. You weren't ready for serious. I don't think you knew how to handle a successful woman, someone who is independent, and has the world at their fingertips. Someone who is going to challenge you. It scared you. The idea of me, was and is, scary. Maybe the thought of actually liking someone, was frightening to you. That someone was going to pull you out of your bubble and expect things of you. Terrifying that someone could see through all your flaws, and fall in love with every imperfection. 

I couldn't tell you what it is. I can't pin-point the thing that I am so attracted to, that thing that hooked me. It could be the way it feels when I run my hands through your hair, the french toast surprise breakfasts that brought me so much joy, the way you raise your eyebrows when you're trying to be sexy, laughing as Teddy is trying to lick your face, the little pinch I feel when you bite my earlobes, or the sound you make when I bite yours, the way your blue eyes remind me of the ocean, the feeling of protection when you roll over in the middle of the night to hold me, the sounds you make when I kiss your neck, when I rub your face when the stubble is coming in, watching you play with Cleo and subsequently scratch the crap out of you, the pure content just watching whale documentaries on my couch on a Saturday night, how the smell of your cologne makes me stop dead in my tracks, the way you reach out to grab my hand, the way your smile lights up a room, the comfort of how your snoring reminds me that I'm not alone, the way your warm skin feels against mine, maybe the sound of your laugh, or the way my stomach hurts when you make me laugh. But probably the way you make fun of me for all my quirks, like using the emergency break, or not knowing how to parallel park, or giving me crap for cracking my shoulder, or using the term Roundabout instead of rotary. I'm not sure why moving on was so incredibly hard, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't move on, and I think it flattered you. Why couldn't I understand that you were not the end all, be all. It didn't matter that people were in my ear reminding me how great I was. It had nothing to do with not being good enough for you, because you weren't out of my league.

"He doesn't deserve someone half as good as you"- Kamrie.

I couldn't seem to see clearly, to realize that there are other fish in the sea. Ha, get it? Fish in the sea.

I don't know if it's actual love, or loving the idea of you. But whatever it was, it was binding. You were like a drug, that I was addicted to. I knew it was bad for me, but I kept coming back, I kept doing it. Knowing good and well I was going to be left broken hearted. You should have stuck to your feelings, you shouldn't have kept coming back. You should have let me go, instead of constantly changing your mind and making me think you were going to be different. I tried to move on, I tried dating other people, I tried avoiding you, I did what I knew how to do. But you couldn't let it be. Every time I was probably almost there, you had to come back. With that perfect hair and huge grin, how was I supposed to resist you and that charm? A drug, remember? You are a drug, and the addiction is so real.

As I sit here and think about the last year of my life, I was all over the place. I couldn't decide if I wanted to stay or go, and for a while, I was going to stay. I wanted you to give me a reason to stay. I wanted you to ask me not go. I would have given you the world, and a thousand times, I tried. The more I gave, the more you took, until there wasn't anything left to take. I wanted to see if you and I could make something work. It was a foolish idea, foolish to think you were ever going to change your mind and want me, with every being of your soul. Foolish to think you would step out of your comfort zone and just love me.

I hope there comes a time when you are sitting in your kayak in the middle of the ocean, about to catch your first Tuna, that I cross your mind. And I hope you miss the shit out of me. And then I hope you remember that I'm 3,060 miles away, because you pushed me there. When you wake up, alone at night, know that I'm in another time zone, because I had to go that far to get away from you. When you come to the hospital on your typical Wednesday, I hope you look for me, I hope you can hear my voice in the walls of that Emergency Department, and I hope it hurts like hell.

And in the end, know that I am going to be okay, this is not the end for me. My journey is just beginning. My dream is, almost, a reality. I've loved and lost, but I don't pine for you any longer. There will come a day, when someone thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread. They will fall in love with the way my name rolls off their tongue. And I will laugh, thinking about the day when I thought you leaving was the worst feeling ever. I am going to be just fine, in fact I am going to be great, and I will continue to experience all that this life has to offer.

I'd like to think that my ambition rubbed off on you, that I helped you. I give myself a little credit for you wanting to be better, for going after your goals. I hope you find great success in your life. I think that's how you know you truly love someone, when no matter how much they hurt you, you still want them to be happy. Despite how much they sucked the life out of you, you still wish them greatness. You are going to make an amazing Medic someday, I hope you make your way to becoming a successful fire fighter, and I know the day will come when you finally get your Tuna. I hope life hands you all the lemons, and I hope that lemonade is the sweetest thing you've ever tasted.

I want you to know that I don't hate you, and I don't regret any part of this last year. Thank you for liking me, even when I wasn't very likable. Thank you for bringing me happiness. You will forever be my favorite part of my time on the East Coast. But this has sucked me dry, attempting to make this work has broke me,

loving you is exhausting.

So good luck, do big things.

-C

At Your Convenience

An open letter to someone I know: If he wanted to be with you, he would be.

You are a smart girl, realize that if he loved you like he said he did, he would act like it.

You are a beautiful girl, who deserves someone who can appreciate your beauty even when you're at your worst.

You are an ambitious girl, who needs someone who wants to join all of your adventures.

You deserve to be loved all the time, and not just when it is convenient for him. 

Convenient: Adjective, fitting in well with a person's needs, activities, and plans / Involving little trouble or effort / situated so as to allow easy access to / 

Waiting for a guy to grow up is going to take forever, and it's going to drain you. You can't force someone to be ready, and you shouldn't want to. Don't wait, be done waiting, the wait is never worth it in the end.

I understand the vulnerability of meeting someone who makes you question everything. You were doing just fine being a single lady. You did what you wanted, whenever you wanted to do it. You didn't have to get dressed up, you didn't have to do your makeup or hair (hell you didn't even need to shower or shave your legs), you could listen to the music as loud as you wanted, and nobody was around to judge you when you made a mess at the dinner table. You were enjoying being solo. You didn't expect picky ole you to actually like this guy. You thought you'd hangout for few days, and then you'd kick him to the curb once you realized his intermittent snoring actually drove you crazy, or the smell of old cigarettes actually made you want to vomit. But, complications arise, and you stuck around. Because maybe you thought those weren't deal breakers? 

You are convenient. You have made yourself too available, the chase is gone and it became too easy for him to have you whenever he wanted. He didn't have to try to impress you anymore. He slowly started to pull away, and you continued to hold on, he learned that you would still be there. He gets the cake, and he gets to eat it (Really you can't blame him, it is pretty good cake). He has the best of both worlds, he's single but gets to come home to you when he wants.

I can't tell you to leave, I have no right to tell you how much of an idiot you are. I won't say 'I told you so'. Because we've all been there. We've all let a guy take just a little bit too much from us. I can't tell you what to do, but I can encourage. Encourage you to move on. Encourage you to say 'No' next time he texts you late at night. Encourage you to be done. Encourage you to go and sow your wild oats, trust me, there is someone else out there that likes starring at your butt (maybe like it even more). 

Look in the mirror, look really hard at yourself. You act like a hard ass majority of the time, but somewhere there is the sensitive side of you. You do enjoy the thought of a guy going above and beyond for you. The idea of enjoying a glass of wine while he cooks you dinner in the other room, followed by a back massage that puts you right to sleep. You can't be the only one that gives, you can't be the only one that caters in the relationship. I get it, you want to give off this impression that you don't need a guy. That you are independent and successful all on your own. But just because a guy is a gentleman and shows you some chivalry, doesn't make you any less independent. Don't lower your standards because you think he's the hottest thing to walk this planet. Don't settle for convenient just because his butt looks cute in that uniform. 


Girl, you deserve someone who looks at you and can't help but smile. Someone who thinks you look your best with bed head and teeth that aren't brushed. Someone who thinks your dance moves are sexy. Someone who thinks you should sing to them even when your not in the shower. Someone who likes all of your cooking. You deserve someone who likes you as much as I like carbs, ice cream, and alcohol (which is more than I'd like to admit). Stop settling, I promise, the right guy will come around. And it will feel like a breath of fresh air.

Heartbreak, you can't live here anymore

But you can't handle me

I've recently been reminded what it's like to be a strong, independent woman, living in a mans world {And no, this has nothing to do with marches or protests or anything political}.

Men have always been the "bread winners", the "head of the house", the "root of the family". And women, have been told that they must live in the shadow of a man. Growing up, I never understood the problem, until now.

Why do I need to downplay my success because it makes men feel de-masculinated? I am a 26 year old woman who is intelligent, not terribly bad to look at, successful, and incredibly driven. I can remember a time when people thought I wouldn't make it, and all that negativity, has made me want it even more. So why, why do I need to date a man that is more successful than I am? Or why do I need to date a man that makes more money than I do? What if I don't care about the job, the money, the success? Personally, I am just attracted to what I see on the inside, not all the material crap on the outside. 

I read something on the internet the other week:

"I'm ashamed for being a coward. I'm afraid. A man likes to be the leader in a relationship, a man likes to know the bulk of the knowledge so he feels more powerful in his masculinity. With you, I'm not the most intelligent, or strongest emotionally. You would force me to change by simply being. And I wasn't brave enough to step outside of all that I knew, and have grown comfortable in knowing."   - Random Guy

We spend all this time, sitting quietly, and letting men be "the man". Letting them feel as if they hold all the cards. Quieting the fire, so we don't threaten their manhood. That feeling where you are walking on eggshells and hushing your soul. It is true, that weak men cannot handle strong women. They are threatened that their partner is going to "outshine them". But you know what, I pray to God that I marry a man that outshines me everyday, and trust me when I say that I will be his biggest cheerleader (with actual cheers of course). I will be his number one fan, because that is what being in a relationship is. And I hope the feeling is mutual, actually the feeling has to be mutual. At some point, we have to graduate from young, immature relationships. We have to at some point be accepting of real, adult, relationships. Where the love is real, and the partnership is a true partnership.

A friend of mine was dating a girl a few years back, she was younger than he was and she was doing pretty well for herself. He had said to me during their relationship, "What if one day she wakes up and realizes I'm not good enough for her?". Well, If one day that happens, then she is a bitch and not good enough for you. There is no such thing as "good enough for someone". If you are happy, they make you laugh, and bring out the best in you.. they are good enough. Feeling inadequate is a form of insecurity that we must get over.

Men want to get their life together before they pursue a woman, they need to be ready, they need to feel on top of the world. And it's sad, because I think a lot of women require a man that "has his shit together", he needs to be "financially stable", he needs to "already be successful". I never understood that part. Do you have a job? Can you afford to pay your bills? Do you have a car that runs? Never been to prison? Don't do drugs? If the answer to those questions are "YES", then perfect. I don't care what you do for a living, I don't care where you live or who you live with, and I don't care what kind of car you drive. Seriously, if you like someone, that stuff shouldn't matter. We've grown accustomed to letting material issues get in the way of being happy. Strong women shouldn't let the fact that he isn't there yet, ruin a good thing.

I am a successful, independent, and driven woman. And if some guy cannot handle the fire that is burning in my soul, then he can find his way out. I want a man that encourages me, and motivates me to be the best version of myself that I can be. And in return, I will forever be his motivation. If one day he wakes up and wants to change careers or make a huge life change, I will say "lets do it", because that is just what you do. Watching someone grow is the best feeling in the world, and knowing you had a part in that growth makes it so much sweeter. 

So ladies, don't dull your fire. Don't settle for a man. And never quit aspiring to be better. The right man will Love you for all that you are. And Men, don't dull her fire. Let her conquer the world. Be proud of her. And embrace all that is is. You might even get lucky and get an early retirement out of it :)