The first of many lasts

It's been 1079 days since I left home. A few weeks ago, I realized that majority of what I do from here on out, will be the last time I do it. In New England that is. The last three years my heart and brain have been fighting endlessly with the future and whether I would stay or whether I would go. And finally, they have agreed on a course of action, I'm coming home. I feel like a kid, waking up on Christmas morning, anticipating all their new toys and the excitement they feel. I feel like my soul is about to explode just thinking about all the things I have missed these last 3 years.

When I moved to Mass three ago, I was running. I was running away from having to face the reality. I was newly single after a 5 year relationship, and felt like vomiting at the idea of getting into anything remotely serious with anyone. I immediately started applying to schools, because for the first time in what felt like FOREVER, I was free. I could do whatever I wanted. And I was going for it. I was going to grad school to make my career dreams a reality. There was nobody standing in my way or forcing me to stay.

So there I was, deciding on a big move. Because I had gotten accepted into a few schools out of state. I was living in a complete high, the thought of starting fresh and getting out of dodge, was just what I needed. The reality was that being out of state and starting grad school was the best option, little-to-no distractions. It was quite the journey, so many times I sat and cried because I wasn't sure how much longer I could do it. I was homesick, I was people sick, I was hoping to stop time just so I could catch my breath. Grad school kind of broke me, then built me up, and then broke me again... I survived though. 

And now here I am, 1079 days later. Transferring licenses, applying for jobs, looking at houses, pricing u-hauls and pods, and getting ready to say goodbye to all the people who have changed my life. Because I have finally realized that I do not belong here. I need to get back to my people. I think I spent enough time "finding myself", and now I need to get back. I think I found the person that I want to be, and I think I really like that person.

I need to go home, to my first home. I think "home", can be multiple places. I think I have homes in multiple places, homes where all my loved ones live. But my home, my permanent home, is where my mom is making dinner, the place my sisters are growing up, the back roads that I could travel in the pitch black with my eyes closed.

Today marks one month left in MA, the big plan is to hit the road August 7 (give or take a few days). As I gear up for the big move, it's sad to think about leaving the life I have made for myself here. But man, am I excited to get back to the people who helped me grow. I'm looking forward to watching my best friend give birth to my niece, to family birthday parties, to line dancing and bull-riding at the country bar, to having a Starbucks on every street corner, to holidays, and mostly waking up every morning with that beautiful mountain staring me in the face - reminding me that I am home. 

There are still so many things that I never got to do, and part of me is sad because there just isn't enough time. But that means I will just have to come back to visit and finish my bucket list. If you're reading this, chances are you've made some impact on my life. I am still trying to figure out how to say goodbye, you're my friends that became my family. But I want to say thank you, thank you for including me in your life and making this place feel like a place I can call home. I promise it is not goodbye, I will see you all later. I hope you all will come to visit me, but bring your shoes because we will hike that gorgeous mountain.

-C

Loving you is Exhausting

Taylor Swift wrote a song about you, "I knew you were trouble when you walked in".

I probably should have known.

I can picture the first day I saw you, actually noticed you, a sunny Wednesday in mid- July. I had just got back from Oklahoma, and was feeling extra on top of my game. It was hard not to notice this hunk standing in front of me. We were in room 12, you were giving me report on a patient, but I heard nothing that was coming out of your mouth. I think I tried to speak, but real words weren't being formed. I was pre-occupied with your smile, that hair, the butt, and that charm. Of course I wasn't going to make a move. I just made a mental note to find out if you were single.

Some time had passed, I was waiting for you to make the move. But you didn't, you'd just stand in front of the nurses station, staring at me. Yes, I noticed you, I could feel your eyes watching me. It was a cold Fall night. I was standing outside of room 7, putting an IV in one of our regular drunks. A job I'd done a thousand times, was suddenly very difficult. I think I fished around for that vein for a good 2 minutes, as you stood there, pretending not to look. I was so distracted, you were distracting. I was working so fast and was so nervous, I put the wrong patient stickers on those blood samples, I was really distracted. I messaged you that night about the patient you'd brought in earlier. Stating how I was going to get you back for bringing in the lice, because I got stuck with it. It wasn't even supposed to be my patient. Little did I know, it was going to be a bumpy ride after that. If it hadn't been for that night, this story might have never happened. Crazy how one instance can change everything.

You had my number, you knew how to get a hold of me. But you were playing the game. A few times you were interested, contemplating getting drinks. But then changing your mind. I really wondered if you even liked girls... but seriously. And finally, I somehow convinced you to come over. What was probably supposed to be a one-night-stand, ended up being a 9-month roller coaster that neither one of us could get off.

I wasn't looking for a relationship, I was single and loving every minute of it. I wasn't about to get sucked into something serious. Neither were you, we seemed to be on the same page. But then you changed the game, you were sucking me in. I don't know if you meant to do it, but it happened. I remember calling Kamrie in mid-december, freaking out, and all she said was "You really like this guy, huh?". She was right, and it scared the all mighty shit out of me. You made me feel things I hadn't felt in years, I found parts of me that I forgot existed.

I am a confident girl, I've never let a guy define me. And in the last 5 years I have learned that if someone wants to walk away, you let them. Except for now, I couldn't do it. I couldn't watch you walk away. You were scared, you weren't ready, and you didn't want to try anymore. But I was determined, it wasn't going down like that. It was dysfunctional, you would go and I would stay and vice-versa. Even when you were telling me to pick the other guy, I was trying to find every reason to pick you. I desperately wish I picked the other guy. But I wanted it to be you. I wanted you to grow up, and be a real adult for once. I wanted you to stop being a selfish boy, and be a man. I wanted you to be a better man. I wanted you to quit playing childish games and choose me. But you are not ready for adult things, you want to live in the safety of your parents home, you want to continue working a job you aren't happy in, waiting for your dream job to fall into your lap. Hoping to someday make it with a fire department. And dreaming of a life where fishing is both your hobby and your career. A life where your most prized procession, is a little yellow fishing kayak that sits on the top of your car for the entirety of the summer. I think you were lost somewhere between wanting and being scared. I think I made you feel things that you hadn't felt in a long time. I think you did want me, but only when it was convenient. You wanted me, but didn't know how to have me. And you damn weren't ready to figure out how to make it happen. So you pushed me away, because that's all you know. The moment you started to feel, you ran. 

The timing was all wrong, I was finishing school and you were starting. I was getting ready to start my career and plan for the future. You were thinking of the next spot you'd try to catch some bass. We were living on separate parts of the spectrum, and trying to somehow find some common ground. I was trying to be your biggest fan, I would have stuck by you. But you thought you had to have it all together before you could let someone else in. Little did you know, I wanted to join you on your adventure. But you didn't know how to include me in your life, you're so used to doing everything alone. You weren't ready for serious. I don't think you knew how to handle a successful woman, someone who is independent, and has the world at their fingertips. Someone who is going to challenge you. It scared you. The idea of me, was and is, scary. Maybe the thought of actually liking someone, was frightening to you. That someone was going to pull you out of your bubble and expect things of you. Terrifying that someone could see through all your flaws, and fall in love with every imperfection. 

I couldn't tell you what it is. I can't pin-point the thing that I am so attracted to, that thing that hooked me. It could be the way it feels when I run my hands through your hair, the french toast surprise breakfasts that brought me so much joy, the way you raise your eyebrows when you're trying to be sexy, laughing as Teddy is trying to lick your face, the little pinch I feel when you bite my earlobes, or the sound you make when I bite yours, the way your blue eyes remind me of the ocean, the feeling of protection when you roll over in the middle of the night to hold me, the sounds you make when I kiss your neck, when I rub your face when the stubble is coming in, watching you play with Cleo and subsequently scratch the crap out of you, the pure content just watching whale documentaries on my couch on a Saturday night, how the smell of your cologne makes me stop dead in my tracks, the way you reach out to grab my hand, the way your smile lights up a room, the comfort of how your snoring reminds me that I'm not alone, the way your warm skin feels against mine, maybe the sound of your laugh, or the way my stomach hurts when you make me laugh. But probably the way you make fun of me for all my quirks, like using the emergency break, or not knowing how to parallel park, or giving me crap for cracking my shoulder, or using the term Roundabout instead of rotary. I'm not sure why moving on was so incredibly hard, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't move on, and I think it flattered you. Why couldn't I understand that you were not the end all, be all. It didn't matter that people were in my ear reminding me how great I was. It had nothing to do with not being good enough for you, because you weren't out of my league.

"He doesn't deserve someone half as good as you"- Kamrie.

I couldn't seem to see clearly, to realize that there are other fish in the sea. Ha, get it? Fish in the sea.

I don't know if it's actual love, or loving the idea of you. But whatever it was, it was binding. You were like a drug, that I was addicted to. I knew it was bad for me, but I kept coming back, I kept doing it. Knowing good and well I was going to be left broken hearted. You should have stuck to your feelings, you shouldn't have kept coming back. You should have let me go, instead of constantly changing your mind and making me think you were going to be different. I tried to move on, I tried dating other people, I tried avoiding you, I did what I knew how to do. But you couldn't let it be. Every time I was probably almost there, you had to come back. With that perfect hair and huge grin, how was I supposed to resist you and that charm? A drug, remember? You are a drug, and the addiction is so real.

As I sit here and think about the last year of my life, I was all over the place. I couldn't decide if I wanted to stay or go, and for a while, I was going to stay. I wanted you to give me a reason to stay. I wanted you to ask me not go. I would have given you the world, and a thousand times, I tried. The more I gave, the more you took, until there wasn't anything left to take. I wanted to see if you and I could make something work. It was a foolish idea, foolish to think you were ever going to change your mind and want me, with every being of your soul. Foolish to think you would step out of your comfort zone and just love me.

I hope there comes a time when you are sitting in your kayak in the middle of the ocean, about to catch your first Tuna, that I cross your mind. And I hope you miss the shit out of me. And then I hope you remember that I'm 3,060 miles away, because you pushed me there. When you wake up, alone at night, know that I'm in another time zone, because I had to go that far to get away from you. When you come to the hospital on your typical Wednesday, I hope you look for me, I hope you can hear my voice in the walls of that Emergency Department, and I hope it hurts like hell.

And in the end, know that I am going to be okay, this is not the end for me. My journey is just beginning. My dream is, almost, a reality. I've loved and lost, but I don't pine for you any longer. There will come a day, when someone thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread. They will fall in love with the way my name rolls off their tongue. And I will laugh, thinking about the day when I thought you leaving was the worst feeling ever. I am going to be just fine, in fact I am going to be great, and I will continue to experience all that this life has to offer.

I'd like to think that my ambition rubbed off on you, that I helped you. I give myself a little credit for you wanting to be better, for going after your goals. I hope you find great success in your life. I think that's how you know you truly love someone, when no matter how much they hurt you, you still want them to be happy. Despite how much they sucked the life out of you, you still wish them greatness. You are going to make an amazing Medic someday, I hope you make your way to becoming a successful fire fighter, and I know the day will come when you finally get your Tuna. I hope life hands you all the lemons, and I hope that lemonade is the sweetest thing you've ever tasted.

I want you to know that I don't hate you, and I don't regret any part of this last year. Thank you for liking me, even when I wasn't very likable. Thank you for bringing me happiness. You will forever be my favorite part of my time on the East Coast. But this has sucked me dry, attempting to make this work has broke me,

loving you is exhausting.

So good luck, do big things.

-C