Five Years

Five years ago today, I was sitting in Psychology class at Washington State University. I got a phone call from my mom, I couldn't talk so I rejected the call. I sent her a quick text saying "I'm in class", figuring she would know that I would call her back when class got over. It was a Thursday so class was a little under and hour and a half. She calls again, did she not see my text? Then she texted me, I don't remember what the text said but I knew immediately to call her. I got up from my seat and walked out the back doors of the packed lecture hall. I called my mom back and when she answered I knew something was wrong. She wasn't crying, I don't even think she said anything right away. The ominous silence told me everything I needed to know.

Lets back track, I was kind of expecting to get this sort of call. The day prior I was on my way to class and my mom had called me requesting that I pray for my Aunt and Uncle. It's not my story to tell so I won't go into details. But there had been some issues and our whole family was on alert.

The silence coming from the other end of the phone only lasted for a few seconds, although it seemed like hours. I'm sure she finally said something similar to "There's been an accident". My first thought was something had happened to my Aunt. I started to hyperventilate and my imagination started running wild. She brought me back to reality and told me that my Uncle was in the hospital after a suicide attempt. "Wait, what? How?". I learned that my Uncle had hung himself in the garage. He had been deprived of oxygen for about 7 seconds, which is a significant length of time in this situation. I am not sure the specific sequence of events but I know he was taken to the nearest hospital where they had to restart his heart multiple times. He was then transferred to a different hospital where they would better be able to handle his critical condition. He was put into a medically induced coma and his body was cooled in order to conserve as much oxygen as possible. The police didn't think he had actually meant to cause harm to himself, their thoughts were he was trying to get peoples attention. But his body weight made him pass out and hence, he was starving for oxygen. His organs already weren't in the best health and he was really in bad shape.

In the meantime, I was stuck in Pullman, because I had class. My friend was going to be driving to the West side the next day, so I asked if I could tag along. I didn't think It was best for me to drive myself home considering the circumstances. We left for Seattle on Friday morning and I took the light rail to Harborview Medical Center. I was greeted by my Dad and a family friend. It hadn't really hit me what was happening. I walked into the hospital, it was quiet but still very busy. Our family had pretty much taken over the waiting room. I found my Aunt and we hugged, then she brought me back to his room. Now before this I for some reason thought that he was going to be awake. I knew what it meant to be in a coma, but I had pushed the thought out of my mind and didn't correlate that he was actually in a coma.

The next 24 hours were pretty hectic. His chances of waking up were getting slimmer and slimmer. My cousins 5th birthday was that Sunday, I remember asking him what he wanted for his birthday. He responded with "Well if my dad wakes up then I'll just get him." My Uncle came off life support that Saturday evening, I was allowed to be in the room during the procedure and the scene will forever be burned in my memory. A quilt was made for my Aunt and cousins with his hand prints. We celebrated my cousins birthday the next day. It was one of the worst birthday celebrations I had ever been to.

Its a strange time of year, this anniversary. Throughout the years my Uncle wasn't the nicest guy. Now again, that's not my story to tell. But near the end of his life he wasn't a big family favorite. I however, never knew the man that was described to me. I didn't truly learn the whole story until a few years after he had passed. Even after hearing what kind of man he was behind closed doors, my opinion of him never changed. He is still the Uncle who would wake up in the middle of the day (he worked graveyard so his day sleep was crucial) to come get me because my car broke down. He is still the Uncle who could turn my crappy teenager attitude into a laugh or smile. He is still the Uncle who would tiptoe around the house in the early morning so I wouldn't wake up when I was sleeping on the couch (He never knew, but I was always awake). He is still the Uncle who reminded me that I was going to achieve greatness one day. He is still the Uncle who told me I was too good for all the guys I dated. He is still the Uncle who could make anything into a joke, and chances were I thought it was hilarious. This time of year is truly a hard one, because I don't have bad memories of him. I think he purposely sheltered me from most of it. Why? I will never know.

I never really got to say goodbye that summer. I was supposed to stop by my Aunt and Uncles house the night before I went back to school. But my car was already loaded down and it was getting late. My Aunt and one of my cousins came over instead. My Uncle stayed home because I think he wasn't allowed at my house. I knew I would be home within the month so it wasn't too big of a deal, I would see them when I came back. It's funny how we think we have time. We assume that tomorrow is guaranteed.

That Friday night before he passed, I was in the hospital room with my Aunt and cousin. Just the four of us. A song came on the radio and it was the first time I had heard it, it had a nice tune. The three of us looked at each other and kind of smiled. It was almost as though he had picked that song to come on, like he was dedicating it to us. I heard it again racing down I-5 to get back to the hospital the next day. And five years later that same song still makes me cry like a baby. 

God Gave Me You- Dave Barnes

I've been a walking heartache. I've made a mess of me. The person that I've Been lately. Ain't who I wanna be. But you stay here right beside me. Watch as the storm goes through. And I need you. 

God gave me you for the ups and downs. God gave me you for the days of doubt. For when you think I've lost my way. There are no words here left to say, it's true. God gave me you.

As I write this there are a lot of 'what ifs' that cross my mind. My heart aches for my 4 handsome cousins who have learned to grow up without their dad. They have been blessed with a loving mother and other male role models in their life, but nothing will ever fill that void where their dad should be. Boys, if you are reading this, I am so sorry for all your pain.  

~~

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, PLEASE seek help. The decision to take your own life affects everyone around you. Taking your own life is NOT the answer. You are loved by so many.

Did you know?

Suicide is the 4th leading cause of death for adults between 15-64 years of age. In the United States, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death. Every day about 112 Americans take their life every day. There are 4 male suicides for every 1 female suicide, but women are 3x more likely to attempt suicide. And across the United States, 25 million Americans suffer from depression each year.

If you would like to learn more or to donate to the Suicide prevention cause visit 
http://theovernight.donordrive.com

~~

So Uncle Jim, today while your'e in Heaven enjoying unlimited Coke,

I'm on earth wearing my 5th grade pants in memory of your life.

I hope you found the peace that you were looking for.

rip.

Philophobia

I debated a bit in regards to blogging about today. Today is a day, that has a little bit of meaning. The first is that it is my Papas birthday. Up until two years ago, that was the only significance about this day. Now it has a whole new meaning.

For those of you who are confused and wondering what today could possible mean, it is my Single anniversary, it is the day I got my mojo back, it is the day I vowed to NEVER let another person ever dictate my happiness, it is the day I learned that I could do better, it is also the day I got dumped. But lets not really focus on that last part, although it was such a blessing in disguise.

Single: Adjective |sin-gel|: Not having or including another : only one : not married or not having a serious romantic relationship with someone.

{I like to reference how the dictionary defines words in my blog}

You see I have done a good job of being single for the last two years. Now for those of you who know me might be really confused because in the last two years I have dated, quite a bit actually. But for the purposes of that dictionary, I have not had a serious relationship. None of those guys were worthy enough to actually be my boyfriend. Well maybe some of them were, but I was not about to try that out. Getting into another serious relationship scared the living shit out of me. Thats really the only way to describe the feeling. I've met some pretty great guys in the last 730 days. But none that I wanted to make my boyfriend. That makes sense right?

Lets rewind, its 2008 and I'm a senior in High school {Don't worry this trip isn't going to last long}. I meet a guy, and I get this "I've got a crush on you feeling". I immediately tell myself "NO NO NO NO". He was a grade younger, not the tallest guy, and he was my exes best friend. I have a hard time listening to peoples advice, especially when it's my own advice. We started dating, secretly because he's mom hated me. Thats a great way to start a relationship, right? From the start it was a rocky journey, but I could never really walk away. I went to college in Eastern Washington about 5 hours away and we decided to stay together. How sweet, I know. Again, it was rocky, we were off and on and on and off. He cheated on me, and I was the idiot who stayed with him, it was a super great time. The next year he moved to the midwest. And we still tried to make it work, that year was actually better. We did that long distance for 2 years, it wasn't the worst. The distance allowed us to focus on school, but the distance wasn't so good for the trust issue. That 4th year, in 2012, we decided to live together. Yes I know we were living in sin. We talked about marriage, looked at wedding rings, and even talked about buying a house together. We did that for almost a year. It was okay, but not the best. Who am I kidding, I should have left back in 2008. The details aren't important, but the moral of the story is that I let this guy have total control. Before that I was a carefree and independent girl. I am not so sure what changed in that timeframe, I knew he wasn't the one for me, but I was willing to tell myself he was. It was like a sickness.

Lets fast forward to now, August 27 at 5pm in Worcester, Massachusetts. I never thought in a million years I would be here, writing this blog. Back in the day I had this "plan", I'm kind of a bit OCD so having plans is my thing. Anyway, this plan was my life plan. I was going to go to nursing school, and become a nurse. I was going to be married to my prince charming by the time I was 25. I was going to be living in a big house with lots of acreage, riding my horses every morning. I had all these plans, and goals. Now the only one that still is in effect is to become a nurse, thats really the only one that is an actually goal and still attainable. If you don't know, I will be 25 in a little over 2 weeks. I am definitely not going to be getting married by then. BUT for the record, I am nowhere near the place in my life where I am ready to be married. I do not want to be someones wife right now.

So today, on the anniversary of what I thought was the worst day of my life, I am sitting here happier than I have ever been. My happiness has nothing to do with anybody else. And today, I've decided not to be scared. At some point I have to get into a serious relationship with someone {Disclaimer: I in no way ever want to get back with my ex}, so why not just get over it and do it! I like to do this thing, where if a guy I like shows any interest in me I make up all these excuses why I actually don't like them. As soon as they start taking it up a notch, I run the other way. I actually just did this recently. I'm a very weird person, I know this. So no more of that, no more running from guys who like me, no more making up reasons why not to like someone. I am taking my life back, No more Philophobia ~

Philophobia: The abnormal, persistent and unwarranted fear of falling in love or emotional attachment.

I've learned a lot in the past few years:

Never settle for anything that doesn't feel right. Never be with someone because it's better than being alone. Never not like someone because they wear weird shoes. Never lie to yourself about your feelings. Never allow someone to make you feel small and unimportant. Never adjust your dreams to fit someone elses.
Always be yourself, no matter how crazy you are. Always be positive. Always smile. Always give the benefit of the doubt. Always put yourself #1. Always be truthful. Always stay true to your dreams. Always Love Jesus. 

Home is Where the Pieces of my Heart are

Homesick: Adjective |hom-sik| : Sad because you are away from your family and home.

Merriam-Webster really hit it home there. I don't think being homesick has anything to do with missing a physical location, but I think it has to do with missing people. Actually I know this, I know that it has everything to do with missing people, hearts, souls, loved ones. Home is whatever you make it, it is the people that make the home. I'm not sick for the home, I'm sick for the people. I'm sick for the distance between us. I'm sick for the time we are apart. I'm sick for memories I am missing. I'm sick for those smiles that could light up a room. I'm sick for that laughter, the kind that makes your stomach hurt. I'm people sick.

One year ago around this time I was in the same spot, sad because I had just left everything I knew and moved across the Country. I missed my family, I missed my friends, and I missed the view of that beautiful Mountain. Today, I am here again. But this time its worse, because I know how hard the next days will be.

I just had the most amazing summer of all time. I spent ten days in May in my home state. My gorgeous little sister picked out her wedding dress, my best friend had her bridal shower, and I spent countless hours with my entire family. At the end of June, I went to the wonderful state of Iowa for my beautiful Aunts wedding. I was able to see a lot of my family that I don't get to see that often, and I saw my parents again. I spent Fourth of July in Massachusetts at the Beach with some of my special friends. There was a quick weekend in July where I went back to that beautiful Pacific Northwest state for that same best friends bachelorette party. There was a boat party in Rhode Island and then I was back to Washington for my best friends wedding. We spent the most wonderful ten days in Eastern Washington celebrating and creating more memories than ever. Then it was back to Western Washington for two weeks of family time. I met an amazing guy who swept me completely off my feet. I threw my grandpa a surprise 65th birthday party and we had a huge crowd. My best friend from Massachusetts (and her sister) were in Washington, so naturally I took them to my favorite country bar and taught them how to line dance. My East coast besties met my West coast besties. My heart was full of love, and my brain was packed with memories. It was the most amazing summer.

I was holding back tears days before my scheduled flight. How could I leave? Countless questions from my friends, "Do you have to go?", "Can't you finish school here?". The truth was I had to go, I had to go back. Part of me was ready to go back, I needed to get back to my routine. But why did it have to be so far?

Today was the first day of school. Graduate school year two is officially in session. I am lucky to have met the most wonderful friends who support me, encourage me, love me (even when I'm not that lovable), and make living here worth all the while. I am even more lucky that I will be seeing my parents in a little over a week. Mom and Dad are coming to Boston for some tourist activity and to watch me get pinned! After a year of hard work I am finally going to be a real live nurse (after I pass the test though)!! "Home is not just one physical location. I have "homes" all over the Country. My homes are where my people are. Massachusetts is a new physical home for me. And although I'm not sure where the future is with me and the East Coast, I am happy to be here for whatever time I have.

When I think back two years ago during my grad school application phase, I was ready to leave, I was ready to go find adventure. In the last year I have found that adventure, but I know theres more adventure out there. I am learning so much about myself and learning how to be a better daughter, sister, and friend. I wish the distance wasn't 3,000 miles, but there's no going back now. So here's to being an adult, making your own decisions, missing your 'home', taking adventures, and to always looking forward. It's not an easy journey, but this route makes it the most fun. 

| "For I know the plans I have for you,"

Declares the LORD, "Plans to prosper you

and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11 |

When the homesickness kicks in, I remind myself that we all sleep under the same moon

Happy Mothers Day Mom

25 years ago on May 13, 1990 my mom spent mothers day pregnant in her 2nd trimester. As a 16 year old I can't imagine that was not in her plan. 4 months later I made my grand entrance into this world. On that day, my mom became a single parent. A situation I know was not part of her plan. As the years have came and gone my mom has given birth to 3 more beautiful daughters, and has never missed a Mothers Day celebration.

I can tell you it has not always been easy, there were times when I thought my mom was evil and was put on earth to ruin my life. Of course I was a dramatic teenager and who really likes their mom at that age? Lots of ups and downs, with more downs than ups. When I left for College in Eastern Washington in August of 2009, my plan was to leave and never come back. But, surprisingly the 5 hour distance was exactly what my mom and I needed to mend our relationship. The distance gave us space and technology gave us communication.

Looking back, I am proud of my mom and all she has accomplished. With the help of a loving husband, who married her despite being a little crazy, she raised 4 successful children. Who showed us how much Jesus loves us and taught us to be Christ Like. As the oldest and the wisest, I've seen our family go through many changes over the years. Some of them were fun, and others I could have done without; From getting the idea to move half way across the country only to move back a few months later, to new jobs and getting job promotions, to crazy hair colors, to new cars, to new pets, to laugher at the dinner table, to leaving for college, to graduating, to losing the first tooth, to saying the first world, to the first time getting in trouble, and to that first and only spanking - it was sure a roller coaster.

~~~~~~~~~

As you go about your day, take time to wish your Mom a happy Mothers Day. After all, being your mom was probably not the easiest. So this post is dedicated to all the mothers in my life and most importantly to my mother. Thank you for putting your life on hold to care for my sisters and I, thank you for showing us love even when we were brats, thank you for providing a roof over our heads, thank you for your joy, thank you for showing us laughter when you came to our schools in buck teeth, and thank you for never giving up on us. We love you.

3 generations ~ July 2013

~~~~~~~

"Somebody's Hero"

She's never pulled anyone from a burning building
She's never rocked Central Park to a half a million fans, screaming out her name
She's never hit a shot to win the game
She's never left her footprints on the moon
She's never made a solo hot air balloon ride, around the world, 
No, she's just your everyday average girl (but)

She's somebody's hero
A hero to her baby with a skinned up knee
A little kiss is all she needs
The keeper of the cheerios
The voice that brings Snow White to life
Bedtime stories every night
And that smile lets her know
She's somebody's hero

She didn't get a check every week like a nine-to fiver
But she's been a waiter, and a cook and a taxi driver
For twenty years, there at home, until the day her girl was grown
Giving all her love to her was her life's ambition
But now her baby's movin' on, and she'll soon be missin' her
But not today, those are tears of joy runnin' down her face

She's somebody's hero
A hero to her daughter in her wedding dress
She gave her wings to leave the nest
It hurts to let her baby go down the aisle she walks right by
Looks back into her mother's eyes
And that smile lets her know
She's somebody's hero

Last Mothers Day ~ May 2014

Grace Upon Grace

Grace: [Gras] Noun - The free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.

I just got back from Awakening Conference. Three days of worship, leadership teaching, and a whole lot of talk about Jesus. I feel like I am on a high that I can't come down from, and I don't want to. I've been to conferences before, and they have all been amazing. But I think its true that God plans things so strategically, that things you may have heard in the past had no meaning until you hear them on his terms.

The week leading up to the conference was stressful, I had a test I had to prepare for prior to leaving. Being in a Graduate Nursing program is rough, I don't have much spare time, so going to this conference was taking a big risk in terms of my school work. I had decided on Wednesday that I would get as much done as a could and regardless of my completion I would attend the conference starting Thursday night. Boy am I glad I did. I didn't nearly get everything done I wanted to and part of me felt guilty for leaving it half done. BUT Thursdays session had me blown away. My old pastor, Chad Veach, preached a sermon titled "Express Yourself" in reference to Luke 17:11-19. He is so extremely gifted in his ability to make you understand what the scripture is saying. His message hit me close to home and really set the tone for my heart as to what would happen in those next couple of days.

"The Grateful Leper"

11 Now on the way to Jerusalem, Jesus was passing along between Samaria and Galilee. 12 As he was entering a village, ten men with leprosy met him. they stood at a distance, 13 raised their voices and said, "Jesus, Master, have mercy on us." 14 When he saw them he said, "Go and show yourselves to the priests." And as they went along, they were cleansed. 15 Then one of them, when he saw he was healed, turned back, praising God with a loud voice. 16 He fell with his face to the ground at Jesus' feet and thanked him. (Now he was a Samaritan.) 17 Then Jesus said, "Were not ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? 18 Was no one found to turn back and give praise to God except this foreigner?" 19 Then he said to the man, "Get up and go your way. Your faith has made you well."

I can think back to my days at vacation bible school and Sunday school and I remember hearing this story. It never really spoke to me, I never really grasped it.. until now. So often we pray and ask God for help, encouragement, or for something specific. But how often do we thank him?! I know I don't nearly thank him as much as I'm asking him. Another thing I missed all those years, the one that went back, he wasn't afraid to go against the crowd. Its so easy to follow what everyone else is doing, even though at times we know its the wrong thing. John Gray made a comment that relates perfectly, "If popularity is your gain then you need to step out of the game" - We need to STOP doing things because its "cool". Don't be afraid to stand up for Jesus, don't be afraid to praise his name in public. As humans we have an internal worry about what other people will think of us, just stop, who cares what they think. Jesus expressed his love for us in the greatest way by taking our place and dying on the cross.

~~~~~~~~~~~

This weekend changed me, I want to tell everyone I see about God's Grace. The Grace he continues to show us. It doesn't matter how far we stray from him, God continues to love us and is never too busy for us. We don't deserve his love, we didn't deserve for him to send his only son to die in our place, we don't deserve Heaven. But we get it, we get all of his grace, every single day of our lives. He shows us Grace upon Grace. No matter what you are going through, God's Grace is never too far away. He is there is pain, he is there in joy, he is there in during the trials, and he is there during the unknown. His Grace is never ending.

Broken Vessels- Hillsong (No Other Name)

All these pieces

Broken and scattered

In mercy gathered

Mended and whole

Empty handed

But not forsaken

I've been set free

I've been set free

Amazing Grace

How sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me

I once was lost

But now I'm found

Was blind but now I see

Oh I can see it now

Oh I an see the Love in your eyes

Laying yourself down

Raising up the broken to life

You take our failure

You take our weakness

You set your treasure

In jars of clay

So take this heart, Lord

I'll be your vessel

The world to see

Your love in me

Amazing Grace

How sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me

I once was lost

But now I'm found

Was blind but now I see

Oh I can see it now

Oh I an see the Love in your eyes

Laying yourself down

Raising up the broken to life

The mate(s) for my Soul

When I first moved to New England I was a little scared about making friends. I sometimes have issues with finding people that I like... and then if I do like them it becomes the issue of continuing to like them. I tend to get more along with those of the opposite sex due to the less extent of outward drama. In High school I was lucky enough to find good friends, and most of those shriveled away after graduation but a few really stuck (Especially you Kaylee). In college it was the same, and again one really stuck (That would be you Nicole). Now, those friendships have been at times challenging to keep up with. We all have our own lives and things get in the way of spending quality time with each other. So you can see my concern when it came to moving 3,000 miles away.

Kaylee and I had the most amazing time that Summer before I left. We literally laughed for months straight. My body had made a permanent imprint on her couch, and her boyfriend (now Fiancé) was forever annoyed of our jokes...and especially the dancing. Our friendship had endured High school and all the drama that entailed, College with me being five hours away and not coming home a lot, and now post college. Lots of history and not always making the best decisions, but so so many memories. I cried when I had to leave her. "Was it ever going to be the same?". 

First off, was I ever going to make actual friends in New England? Was I going to have 'school friends' but no 'weekend friends'? Yikes. "What was I getting myself into?!" I was going to move across the Country and have only my dog to come home to. And what would happen to my friendships at home? Were they going to forget about me? Would those too just fizzle away like others had when the distance got the best of us? "What the hell was I thinking?!?!" It was a pretty intimidating time, friendships are important. And I wasn't the most accepting person when it came to new people. Also, my 'resting bitch face' doesn't help in the matter of coming off as a super kind person (Thanks to my grandmother and mom... glad I inherited that from you guys).

It's a life changing situation when you pack up every thing you own and leave all your loved ones behind to start a new life somewhere far away. It's scary to leave the people that you are comfortable around with no guarantee of how things are going to turn out. It's a leap of faith and it's damn near the scariest thing I have done thus far.

~~~~~~~~~

So let me paint you the picture. Its August 11, 2014 - My first day of class at UMass. I've only lived in the State for two weeks, I don't remember anyone from orientation. I walk in the door to the student lounge and walk to the back. Someone starts talking to me, vaguely remembering her as we spoke about our relocating and how the new living situation is going. All the sudden this blonde girl interrupts us...

"Where in Washington are you from?!", all giddy and cheerful. My first thought "Who the heck is this chick?". I quickly just say "Seattle", nobody knows where Spanaway/Graham/Tacoma/Puyallup is anyway. She responds with "Oh? But where EXACTLY?". "Who the heck is this girl? Why is she talking to me?". My response, "You wouldn't know". And she has the nerve to say "No but really, where? My brothers live in Washington." So I decide to humor this girl, I mean she's not going to know what I'm talking about and its really a waste of time.. but whatever. "Puyallup/Tacoma" I very quickly respond. "OMG thats where my brothers live!!!!". My mood suddenly changes and I want to know more. Her brothers live 5 minutes away from the house that I spent my almost 24 years of life! We talk the rest of the time in the lounge and when everyone walks over to the classroom, we sit by each other. We end up finding out that we are in the same track, which means we are stuck with each other for the next three years

I know what you're thinking "Aww how cute".

We ended up hitting it off from the start. I remember making plans with her to hangout and she showed me around Worcester. She was a native and became my personal tour guide. Quickly enough we became attached at the hip. Spending 90% of our time together, it was insane. I actually had a friend, and I actually liked her! In the last 9 months we have become extremely close. Knowing practically every dirty secret, and skeleton we are hiding in the closet. She knows when I'm having "one of my off days" and gives me exactly what I need, a punch in the face... no but really.

From the very beginning I was attending her family cook outs and other various events. I spent Thanksgiving with her family, attended her cousins birthday parties, helped her babysit the kids, went to her house for Easter, and lots of other occasions. I felt like I had a family away from home, such a great feeling. We've joked, that her family probably thinks we are lesbian lovers because I am always around, haha. When it's snowing, I help shovel her driveway, and trust me shoveling is not a good time. When we're bored we watch stupid videos online and sometimes we make our own (no you can never see them). 

It's really funny when she introduces me to old friends, they find out I'm from Seattle area and immediately respond with "Bri has family there!" or "Thats so crazy!" It really is though. What are the chances that I would meet someone that has connections with where I grew up and then end up becoming their friend?. It's not a coincidence, but a Godwink.

The other day I was on my way home from church and grocery shopping. She called me and wanted to know what I was doing. I told her and told her she was welcome to come over. So I get home, pull into my drive way, and theres her car. Unlock my front door, and there she is... sitting at the kitchen table. Thats the kind of relationship we have. She's at my house when I'm not even at my house (she has keys, don't worry no breaking and entering). I've never even used her doorbell.. I couldn't even tell you if she has one. That's our friendship in a nutshell, way past a stage 5 clinger. I wouldn't be surprised if one morning and she's there drinking coffee and reading the daily paper with Teddy on her lap. 

I never thought in a million years I would have a relationship like that with someone other than my husband (still somewhere in the future). But I do. So here's to my friendship that I hold so near and dear to my heart. Just know that I appreciate you and thank God that he made someone in New England that can actually handle me and my craziness.

I feel beyond blessed with all my friendships, each one is unique in its own way. I love that I can be 100% my self with each of them, and never have to worry about being judged. I trust them with my life, and I know that my secrets are safe with them. The memories we've created will last a lifetime. My hope is that someday my two Best Friends can become friends of their own (I've realized I must have a thing for Blondes). Thanks for being the mates for my Soul.

~~~~~~~~~~

Disclaimer: My sisters fall into a completely different category, as they are the puzzle pieces to my heart. Without them I am not whole and nothing in this world could ever replace their relationship.

God Winks

My sister, Author of  God winks and God links , introduced me to this book, "When God Winks at You" by Squire Rushnell. Its about true stories of how God communicates with us. What most people would call a coincidence, he calls a Godwink. It has since became a focus in my life.

This past Monday there was a tragic accident near my hometown. A young couple and their infant child were killed as a concrete slab fell from the overpass bridge, and crushed their truck. They just so happen to be Youth Pastors at my home churches sister church. I had never met them but we had some mutual friends. It gets you thinking, ya know, you hear these terrible things happening in the world and all you want to do is hibernate for life. It makes you never want to leave your house. But you can't live in fear that God is going to take you home while you are out living and enjoying life. 

I found myself thinking; what if.. they were driving faster or slower, or hadn't ran the yellow light, or had gotten stuck in traffic. My friend quickly brought me back to reality "But when its your time, its your time". Its true, he knows when our time is coming and he knows the story behind it.

After our conversation I flipped in Rushnell's book, page 149 gave me goosebumps.

"Isn't It Amazing?

If you totaled up the number of times

you were just about to step off a curb

but were distracted by something,

when you found yourself almost striding

in front of a fast-moving car,

when a small voice deep within - just in

the nick of time - stopped you from taking that step,

I suspect you'd be amazed.

Sometimes called instinct,
I call it the small still voice of God."

-Squire Rushnell

We attribute this moments as close calls, but its actually a Godwink. And God is using our day-to-day lives to talk to us. He's reminding us to slow down, he's reminding us to seek him, he's reminding us to always be grateful, he's reminding us not to take life for granted, and he's ultimately reminding us that he is in charge.

~~~~~~~~~

As I look back on my almost 25 years of life I think of times when God was winking at me and I maybe didn't know it. I can remember some times now, those sometimes subtle messages of his Grace. I'm not sure what God's overall plan is for my life, but I know that he's in control. I do believe that God has been sending me winks for a while now, and I've been ignoring them. But it's so amazing how when you change some things around how much clearer his voice becomes. In the next couple of weeks I'll be following up with a few things and following what God is telling me to do and where he is leading me.

So next time you think your circumstance is chalked up to luck, fate, coincidence, or karma ... remind yourself that it is in fact none of those things, but it's a Godwink instead. There is a reason we meet the people that we meet, or go the places we go ... it is all part of God's plan. I encourage you to let God's plan unfold in your life. Embrace his winks ;) 

"Faith is the substance of things Hoped for,

the evidence of things not seen."

-Hebrews 11:1

Thankful for the Godwink that brought the three of us together