Your life matters

As May comes to a close and we end Mental Health Awareness month, I thought it was time for a new post. A topic I hold close to my heart, because it has impacted my life in more ways than I could possibly describe.


Did you know?
 - Over 20 million people in the US suffer from depression each year
 - 1 in 4 young adults will suffer an episode of depression before age 24
 - Women are 2x more likely to suffer from depression than men
 - 70% of adults in the US have experienced a traumatic event at least once in their lives
 - Up to 20% of those people go on to develop PTSD
 - More than 13 million people have PTSD at any given time
 - About 3% of Americans suffer from Bipolar Disorder
 - Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US for ALL ages
 - Every 12.3 minutes there is one death by Suicide and it takes the lives of 38,000 Americans every year
 - For every 25 suicide attempts, there is one death by suicide

I recently read a quote, it said "The sad thing is, Suicide doesn't end the pain. It just passes it on to someone else." That struck a cord. I work in the field of saving lives, strangers lives actually.  I have seen people on the worst day of their lives. The worst day of their families lives; because they just lost their father, mother, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, grandfather, grandmother, cousin, lover, or friend. And the person that didn't make it, they would have given anything for the outcome to be different. People go through endless treatments, surgeries, try countless medications to heal their bodies, to try and live the fullest life possible. They aren't ready to go, they aren't ready for their life to be over, they haven't finished living.

So when someone chooses that route, the route to end it all forever, it's a little rough. They thought there life just wasn't worth living anymore.

I have seen those closest to me suffer from depression. Depression because things in their life suck. Suck is a good word, and frankly a lot of stuff down right sucks. They were dealt a bad hand. They lost people close to them, they have other health issues, they had their heart broken, they lost their job, they've had some pretty lousy luck. Things just suck, things in their life just sucks. But what sucks more is losing someone. It sucks. One day they are making you laugh and the next day they are gone. How could we have not seen this coming? How did we miss this? Simple, we are so caught up in our own lives we don't notice what is going on around us. It's a common saying, "but they seemed so happy". I think we all get pretty good at pretending, acting like what we think other people want to see. So just because they seem "happy" doesn't mean they are.

In a house full of people, how did you miss that? How did you not see that person suffering? I missed it, I missed it a few times. I would love to know the reasons, I would love to know the answer to my burning question. Why? Why did it have to end that way? Why did you not see another way out? Unfortunately, I will never know that answer.


This world is full of hate, full of judgment, and full of lies. I encourage you  to look at those around you. Please don't ignore the signs. If you or someone you know is thinking of ending their life, please seek help. You are not ending the suffering, you are causing those who love you to suffer. You are making children fatherless or motherless. You are making parents childless. You are leaving scars on the hearts of the those you love. You are taking away your laughter from the world. You are ridding the world of your smile. You are running away. You are leaving, and not saying goodbye. Your life is worth living, your life matters.

This post is in memory of all those who have lost their battle with depression. May they rest in the most peacefulness. May their infectious spirit be remembered. May we never forget their presence in our lives. Uncle Jim, this ones for you. I hope you found the peace you were looking for.

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Why I'm Not Ashamed to Work in a Rehab

I'm a Registered Nurse, and for the last month I've been working in a rehab facility. I don't work in the Intensive Care Unit, I don't work in the Emergency Department, I don't work on the Oncology floor, and I am okay with that. 

Some of you may be grimacing, but "why a rehab?". It definitely isn't my dream job, but it's a job. In fact, it's a great starting job. You may be wondering, how with my background, I ended up where I did. Well I can't answer that. I can't say I didn't try for something different. But this is where I ended up, for now. This isn't the end of the road for me. My career JUST started. I've been a nurse for what feels like all of ten minutes.

I will admit, I wasn't jumping at the chance to work in a rehab. Actually I was mad. I didn't want to start from the bottom again. I wanted to start where I left off. I started working as a CNA in 2012, and the day after graduation I got a job working in home care. Not glamorous, but I was just happy to be working in the field. By 2013 I had worked in a nursing home and a retirement home. Then I started working in a hospital. At that moment, I knew I was going to nursing school within the next year, but it was big. I started from the bottom and worked my way up to one of the best CNA jobs I could have had. I worked in the ICU, ED, medical floors, Pediatric floors, and other floors. The ICU would request to have me, total win there. So when I was in nursing school it didn't occur to me that I might have to work my way up to the top. I kind of had this idea that I already put that time in and that was the end of it. God has a funny way of reminding us who's in charge.

I've realized in the last few years that God uses unforeseen circumstances to lead us. God is in charge of our lives, and our life plan. I wish I had control over the things that happen, and to a point I do, but he has control over my control. If God wants something to happen, it happens.

The last 6 months have not been part of my plan. My plan was to pass boards, the first time, and get a job in the Emergency Department right away. Two things that did not happen. I have hit many bumps in the road, and I keep finding more bumps. Just when things seem to be settling down, I'm hit with the reality that this life is not by my book.

I work in a rehab, and I am okay with that. I am proud of my job, because I earned this job. I put in the time and applied for jobs, I put in the work and went for interviews. I got this job on my own, with the help of God and the support from my family and friends. It's not my dream job, but for now, it's giving me experience. This job is teaching me, preparing me for the next step. I may get treated different from my classmates, because I have a 'crappy' job, and they feel bad for me. But I just smile - I got this job because someone chose me based on my own person, and not because they were told from professors to choose me. I may be getting constant emails from my director about how this job is not giving me the 'experience' I need to be a successful Acute Care Nurse Practitioner. But for now, this job is giving me experience to be a good nurse. I may have to take a year off to get that 'better' experience, and I will cross that bridge when it comes. But for now, I am enjoying what I have in front of me. Because this is Gods plan, and I am trusting that his plan is the best plan. 

So many times in life, we have this idea of how our life needs to be, and we can't get that view out of our minds. We just can't see what we don't want to see. We are constantly comparing our life to those around us. That girl has my dream job, that guy drives my dream car, that girl has the most handsome boyfriend, that girl has the prettiest shoes, or I wish I had his life because she gets to travel so much. STOP doing that! You have no idea what their life is like, what you see on the outside is so deceiving. Because while you are envious of their life, they may be envious of yours. I wish I had her hair, her boots are so cute, her dog is so well behaved, or she is the best cook. Start being thankful for what you have and not what you wished you had.

So no, I am not ashamed to work in a rehab, because this is exactly were God has planted me. It may not be the exact desire of my heart, but there is time. I am thankful for life and that I have a job to go to. I am thankful that I can pay my bills support myself. I am not going to waste time being jealous of others or complaining about the current situations I am in. I am loved by Jesus, and have faith in the future.

Remember that song?

You know that feeling you get when you hear an old song? The memories that come flooding back when you hear those lyrics? It happens to me all the time. I can't help but take a trip down memory lane when certain songs come on. It almost feels as if I'm back in that place, the place where that song first had meaning.

All the feelings come back; the sadness, the happiness, the laugher, the tears. Whatever I was feeling during that 'moment', when I hear that song, the feelings start to rush in. When I first start to date a new guy, and there's a song that describes our relationship or maybe the situation we are in - it becomes the song that I remember him by. When someone gives me news, the song thats on becomes the song that always takes me back to that conversation. And ironically, most of the time it's as if the song actually fits with what I'm feeling - like a 6th sense. 

A few weeks ago, I was in the car and Justin Timberlakes song, 'Make you love me' came on. As I was sitting at the red light I started to reminisce about the guy within those lyrics. I had just started seeing this guy, and I really liked him. But I was guarded, I had a 10 foot wall up and wouldn't let him cross it. I was planning my move to MA at the time, and that was allowing me to not get attached. I used the move as a way to not commit. We dated for over 4 months off and on, and one day he told me to download JTs song. Almost 2 years later that song still brings me back. We ended up breaking up a few months before I moved. He was looking for someone to marry, and I was looking for someone who could just be in that moment.

~~~

Then there's the song that inspired this post. I was at Starbucks a few days ago, and the barista had a strong resemblance to the last guy I dated (Yes, the barista was a guy). I found myself stumbling for words because I was so caught off guard. Okay no biggie, so what they look similar. I stay and do some studying, and really just couldn't get over how much they looked alike. I get in my car and Big & Rich's new song "Lovin Lately" comes on. I hadn't actually listened to the lyrics before. But on this day I happened to listen to what was being said. 

"Who you've been lovin lately. Who you've been callin baby. Who you've been runnin around in this tell all town. I guess you've finally got the best of me. I guess you thought I'd never see. You know it's so hard to believe how we came down. Like we were nothin baby, who you been lovin lately?"

I immediately started thinking about one of the last guys I dated, the guy I dumped, the guy I regretted dumping (for a while, not anymore though). I was hesitant about long distance, what guy in their right mind dates a girl he's known for 10 days and then she flies across the country to her place of residence. I don't know many. I mean lets be real, it's not an easy time if you're trying to start a relationship. So before he could end it, I did. I acted as if I didn't like him that much and that it didn't affect me. And I did a good job, who knows if my friends bought it, but they never called my BS. It's been 4 months, and it's still on my heart, only because I push away everyone who tries to get close to me. It's funny how in my life, these songs can mean so much. How a single song will bring back the rush of emotions. How a single lyric can have such an impact.  

~~~

It's not all past relationships though, its everything. There's 'The Truth' by Jason Aldean, remembering the time my best friend and I were talking about our most recent break ups. Or any of the upbeat Country songs reminding me how much I miss my home. The one that reminds me of being in the hospital hours before my uncle died. The songs my friends and I jammed to and of course sang to when we were in Jr high. The song I listed to as I was crying while driving home after I found out my boyfriend had just moved out which resulted in our breakup. Which happens to be the same song that came on 9 years ago after a different boyfriend broke up with me. I can't break the feeling, I can't seem to forget the significance. The song I was listening to when I was packing to go home for my best friends bachelorette weekend, I feel that excitement overcome me every time. The songs that subsequently played at her wedding and that entire whirlwind weekend.

I guess you could say my entire life could be described with some lyrics. All the moments in my life, could be associated with different songs. If you know me, you know the mood I'm in depending on what music I'm listening to. For every season of my life, for every different person who is my life at that point in time.. there is a song.

Today, it's Florida Georgia Lines 'Confesion'. I'm reminded how I felt when I first moved to MA, and how much I missed my family and friends. I remember the feeling of anticipation because I was going home for the holidays. I remember dancing to the song with my friends in the bar. As I sit and try to overcome the current home sickness I am feeling, it's those memories, that I don't ever want to forget.

Silver Lining

So this past Christmas break, I spent a lot of the time being angry about certain situations. The job hunt was making me feel down and I was getting really discouraged.

Let me back up. Since attending UMass School has been pretty busy, so busy that having a job was kind of out of the question. So I lived off my savings (and those gracious school loans). But now that I’m a nurse, I am required to work. Which is a good thing, I hate not working. In order to sit for the Nurse Practitioner exam I need 1000 hours of experience working as a RN. So from now, Jan 2016 to June 2017 I need to get in at least 1000 hours. It’s really not that much if you think about it. I will be practicing as an NP in a short 17 months; I think I need all the experience I can get! So like many of my classmates after passing boards I headed straight into the job search. I applied at every hospital within 50 miles from my house – Boston has some amazing hospitals. It would be my dream to work at Mass Gen, but unfortunately the only new grads they hire are their own students. And I turned down my offer for MGH! I know, sounds like a stupid move. But really, it wasn’t. The tuition for one year at MGH was about equal to half of my entire program. So in retrospect, it was smart to turn them down. Also, the new grads working for MGH are making 12$ an hour and aren’t even guaranteed a full time position after orientation. The people who work there are doing it for the experience, not the paycheck. Lets be honest, it’s the experience of a lifetime. A level 1-trauma hospital in the heart of Boston - To me that sounds like what I dream Heaven is like. Gunshot wounds, multiple car pileups, stabbings, and all those other bloody things that get my heart pumping. So if I wanted to continue living off student loans, the savings is drained by now, I would have went to MGH and take that job in a heartbeat. However, I don’t want to live off student loans forever. That sounds like a lifetime of debt to me - for now I will dream of someday working at Mass Gen.

So back to real life- UMass is also a level 1-Trauma hospital, but here’s the kicker – they won’t hire me. Only a select few people from my specific NP track were chosen, 4 out of 6. My good friend and I were not offered this job. We were placed at a different clinical site, in the Intensive Care Unit. So it was a great clinical site, but the down side was there was no job for us. My friend was okay, she lived in the area and had worked at a hospital for seven years – she was going to find a job at here hospital no problem. So theres me, the girl with no connections, jobless. I was mad, I was mad that my peers were given these great jobs. So all of Christmas vacation, I couldn’t stop thinking how unfair it was. Fairness is really a funny thing; do we ever really deserve anything? No we don’t, we didn’t deserve it when Jesus died for our sins on the cross. And we surely don’t deserve any of the grace that comes from God.

In the midst of all this my old work, Tacoma General Hospital, said they had a RN position for me. Cool, I don’t live here. School isn’t over and I have to go back to MA. I was so mad that I spent my time looking into my options. Looking into the schools that I originally turned down because I wanted more of an adventure. Seattle University said they would take me, after the application and all that jazz. However, I would need to retake some of the masters courses. Doing the math it was going to end up being costly and more time consuming. So there goes that plan. I had no choice but to go back to MA.

Last week I learned a lot about the experiences my classmates are having with their current job at UMass hospital. Yikes, lets just say I truly believe God was looking out for my best interests. Any out-of-state student working at UMass hospital has to pay almost $3,000 for this class that is required. Umm, what? Plus they actually have to work a certain about of days, and NOT GET PAID. What in the world! I did the math; it would take the middle of summer to make up for the cost of the class. So essentially it’s like paying for a job. No thank you, I’d rather not. So I realized that I was mad for nothing. I was mad that some students had this great opportunity, but they had to sell their soul to the devil for that opportunity.

So the moral of the story is that I shouldn't be jealous of others. God had a better idea in store for me, he always has a better plan for us than we could have for ourselves. Trusting in his process is the key to a fulfilling relationship with him. 

3 months later, I still don't use Shampoo

Since September, I've ditched the bottle and started washing with baking soda and conditioning with apple cider vinegar, and I will never go back. { Original Post Here } I am so happy with my hair, it feels healthier than it ever has. Plus, I am extremely happy knowing  exactly what I am putting in my hair. Store bought products contain so many chemicals, and many are actually bad for your body. Another bonus is I am actually SAVING money!! Since most of the products I make use the same ingredients I am able to get the most for my dollar. Stay tuned for more on my 'no poo' adventure!

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My hair routine is pretty set now, I "wash" about twice a week and deep condition { DIY Deep Conditioner }once a week.

For the "wash" days:
1. I use the BS and ACV in the shower like a normal wash and condition.
2. Once out of the shower I dry my hair with an old t-shirt (it helps keep the frizz down).
3. I use my homemade hair serum: coconut oil, argan oil, Patchouli, Rosemary, Geranium, Tea Tree, and Lavender.
4. Then I use my homemade leave-in-conditioner: coconut milk, filtered water, vitamin E oil, Rosemary, Patchouli, Cedarwood, and Geranium.
5. I use a large, wide bristled comb to comb through and detangle
6. I let my hair dry naturally, no blow drying for this mane :)

For the no wash days:
1. I sleep with my hair in a braid or a bun on a silk pillow case
2. When I wake up I spray my hair with homemade leave-in-conditioner
3. Then I use homemade hair serum on the ends of my hair (just a little, it can get greasy if its overdone)
4. Then I style as usual!

Natural hair, fully dried on a wash day

Essential oils for dry/damaged hair:

-Cedarwood

-Lavender

-Geranium

-Patchouli

-Rosemary

-Tea Tree (also for dandruff)

Essential oils for Shine:

-Rosemary

DIY Cleaning Spray

I've been using essential oils in my beauty products for a few months now. So why not use them in my cleaning products too? Young living has a great product for cleaning, Thieves Cleaner, a little bit goes a long way - so its definitely worth the money. 

Unfortunately, I was a little tight for cash and I wanted to try to make my own version. Vinegar is a great cleaning ingredient, so I use that as the base for my cleaner (1:1 ratio with filtered water). I add about 20 drops of thieves cleaner for a 16oz bottle. I also add 10 drops of Edens Garden 'Cleaning Blend', it contains tea tree which is a great antibacterial. Thieves contains Lemon, but I like to add a few extra drops of lemon for an added citrus cent.

I use this cleaner for everything! Floors, counters, bathroom sink, kitchen table, and pet toys.

NOTE: For an added boost (like showers and really gunky stuff, I add baking soda for a scrub type cleaner)

DIY Thieves cleaner

UPDATE 12/23/15: I now add 10 drops Purification to my cleaning spray - it contains Eucalyptus, Grapefruit, Lemon, Lemongrass, and Lime. A great disinfectant with an amazing smell.

Why Failing the Nclex Doesn't make me a Bad Nurse

Sixty-one days ago I sat down in Springfield, MA to take the biggest test of my life. Four hours and 265 questions later I was finished. I called Tina, and she calmed me down. But there was no coming up from that low. The two days following were by far some one the worst days I have ever experienced. My parents were in town visiting and here to celebrate my pinning ceremony. I was not that great to be around, constantly on edge. For those who aren't familiar with the Nclex, its the state nursing test to become a registered nurse. You don't get your results right away, you have to wait two days until you can access your quick results. So basically for two days you are full of anxiety and by the end of the two days you have convinced yourself that you failed. At least that was my experience. I had convinced myself that I failed, I had convinced myself that I would never become a nurse. So 61 days ago I took my Nclex, and two days after that I learned that I had indeed failed.

The days after that are all a blur. My parents were still in town and my mom wanted to go sightseeing. We went to Plymouth and after making my mom cry because I was such a bitch, we drove home. I felt like crap. How could I show my face to my family, my friends, and my classmates? I argued with myself about attending my pinning ceremony. How could I go? I had just failed my boards, I didn't deserve to get pinned. But then I spoke to someone who was in my shoes only a year prior. She reminded me that I did deserve to get pinned, and that I had worked so hard to get to where I was. So, I put on my big girl panties, I did my hair, I wiped away the tears, and I went to pinning. Some people had heard that I took the test, but nobody actually saw me at the testing center. I was embarrassed. So my friends and I decided to just say that I never took it. Just before we took our class picture the lady asked, "Who has taken their Nclex and passed?", well there goes my hand.

The next day I took my parents to the airport and waved goodbye as they left and I was alone. Alone to just dwell on my failures. That weekend I sucked it up and celebrated my 25th birthday. My friends made it memorable and we had wine tastings galore. The next week I started my remediation plan. The next couple months were looking to be pretty jam packed.

But, I made sure to take some days for myself too. I went to the fair, I went out dancing, I drank some wine, and I spent time with my friends. I had to try to make my life normal. It is a humbling experience, to legitimately fail at something. For someone who has incredible experience in the medical field, to fail, is humbling. I never really thought I wouldn't pass. I knew it would feel like it, but to really actually fail? No, that could never happen. My pride was hurt, and I had reached a point of complete humility.

It was an intense two months. 250 hours of studying, over 1000 practice questions, countless tears, praying daily, and a handful of days were I never thought I would get through. Yesterday, I drove to Waltham, MA and sat down to once again take the Nclex. After 3 hours and 75 questions, the test shut off. My stomach dropped, and I think I stopped breathing for a moment. How did it shut off? I wasn't done yet. And then it came "Oh my gosh, I failed, I failed, AGAIN." I left the test center in a trance. I got in my car and I called Tina. She was just about to enter class, she gave me words of encouragement and said how proud she was of me. So I did my thing and tried not to think about it. I was expecting to check the quick results on Thursday when they would become available. There was one point in class on Wednesday where I had just convinced myself that I failed. I started thinking about my plan B, and thinking "I could be a social worker." Yeah I had already figured that I would never become a nurse. But today, at 5:10pm I got an email from the credentialing services congratulating me on my Massachusetts nursing license. I froze and handed the phone to Tina. Then I just started crying. I left class and just cried, I called my mom, my grandma, and a friend who has been a great part of my support team. It didn't feel real. I had gotten worked up for nothing. But man, that test a mind game. 

And the most amazing thing happened, my classmates were hugging me. I am sure most of them were wondering why I was crying, but they don't know what torture I went through. 95% of them think that I never took the test back in September, and if they did know, nobody ever said anything. But they will never know the feeling of seeing all your classmates pass the test, become nurses, and get their first nursing job; all while I was sitting there studying my butt off just to get to that point. The feeling of thinking you are going to make a terrible nurse because you can't pass a test. The sadness that runs through your body when people ask "Where are you working?!", well I'd like to get a license before I worry about a job, but thanks for reminding me. 

It was really the worst two months of my life thus far. And the worst part, I was lying to my classmates. I stuck to my story of "Oh, I didn't take it yet." Part of me didn't want to make people nervous, know that someone didn't pass might put added stress on those who hadn't tested yet. But also, I didn't want to feel like crap having to explain to people that I couldn't pass my test.

So why am I telling you all this?

Because that test, doesn't mean anything. That test does not determine how a person will function as a nurse. Passing that test in 75 questions does not mean that you will be a better nurse than someone who passes in 265 questions. Passing that test the first try does not mean you will be a better nurse than someone who fails countless times. This test is designed to see how well you can take a test, it doesn't determine your worth as a nurse. And I don't say that just because I was on the other side of this, I say this because in the last two months I have learned so much. I learned that failing does have any impact on how great of a nurse I am going to be. I have been in love with the medical field my entire life, I was born to be a nurse. And I know that I am going to be a kick ass nurse, and an even better nurse practitioner. A good friend of mine reminded me "That test does not define you." And that is exactly right, that test NEVER defined my life. That test does not mean anything, but yet it means everything.

As a Christian I believe that God puts us through struggles to test our faith. We pray, and ask him for guidance, but it's in his timing and not ours. September wasn't his timing, his timing was now. He wanted me to work for what I deserved. He wanted me to not lose faith in him. He wanted me to know that he is present in pain.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

So for those who are feeling lost, discouraged, and feel like they just will never make it through. You WILL. You will succeed, and you will cry tears of joy when you reach your victory. I don't care that people were staring and looking at me like I was crazy. Because my journey has been one that only few can understand. I have tasted failure, I have hit rock bottom, and I have cried endlessly. But today, I tasted Victory! My race is far from over though, for it has just begun. I would never have gotten though without the love, support, and constant encouragement from my family and friends. Those who have prayed for me, held my hand, and reminded me that I would succeed. I am so blessed to have you as part of my fan club.

So heres a cheers to the next chapter of my life.

I am officially Celina Georgia, RN! 

P.S - to my fellow GEP classmates, I am sorry for the lie and I hope you can forgive me.